The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
