I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
