What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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