Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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