what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
