I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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