listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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