i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
