at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
