remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i love accidental penises.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
