Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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