butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
