i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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