so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I'm at about main and main street
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's shark week go big or go home
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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