I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
