toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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