Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
