Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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