I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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