By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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