I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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