Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
