When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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