I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
