i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
