it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
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I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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