i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
