Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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