She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
