Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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