I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Send help, water and tortillas.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
