I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
