Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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