I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There's always time for handjobs
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
