I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
