Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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