All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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