I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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