I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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