Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
