Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
