I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
