the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
