Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Green mimosas i think yes
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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