Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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