I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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