Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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