I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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