First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
