We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
