shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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