So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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