is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
