I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
