He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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